I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
What a dumb baby whore.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
