when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
