I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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