I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
