Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
