i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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