Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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