I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
