Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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