i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
