Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I miss vodka workout Fridays
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
