dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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