Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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