The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
