so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
