Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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