just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
