Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
