Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
