I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
