Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
