No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
