Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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