Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
