Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize