You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
