I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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