I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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