I'm going to jail i love you
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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