I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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