I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize