I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize