I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
