I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
