I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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