Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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