I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
