Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There r osticjed everywhere
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
