So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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