I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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