I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I pour the whiskey from now on
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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