if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My butt remains clenched, sir.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
