I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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