If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
