We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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