I got chris browned last night
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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