as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
