I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
