forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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