I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Randomize
