I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
