I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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