There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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