no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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