not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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