I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
